The Milk Memoirs

One part chronicle, one part resource of all things breastfeeding and family life…with a good dose of fun,crafts & mommy realness

Life after Death: That First Scan of Baby…

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Man on man, that first scan! Isnt it some thing? Moms who’ve had the quintessential joy of seeing baby appear up on that screen would understand why I suffer from a lack words here in trying introduce it. For there truly are no words that seem adequate enough to honestly capture how the world seems to stop spinning; how conversations tend to fade into the background, and how tunnel vision kicks in, as your eyes focus wholly and solidly on that pure personification of love just wiggling on that screen.

Words will always fall flat when you try to describe to anyone. Only those that themselves have felt it before, know how much it truly moves you to the core to see that life within you confirmed before your very eyes. And no matter how many times you do this, I’ll wager that it never fades. In fact, considering my current family size, this is certainly not my first rodeo, it just never loses its magic.

And yet, can you believe it, I’ve never really shed a tear for it before. Not a single tear, as I laid there watching miracles move within me. And it’s not like Im dead inside. Icebox heart is not quite the way loved ones would describe me – quite the contrary, in fact. But I can get a bit delayed when it comes to big emotive things. Case in point: the first time I jumped out of plane, I had exactly zero nerves. Like, nothing. Excitement, yes. Nerves, no. I even volunteered to go first. And while I hung by only my two thumbs and an inch of bum clinging to that tiny little spluttering plane, leaning out with the wind gushing against me, admiring the tiny specs of houses and farmlands below me, I didn’t feel fear or doubt. All I was focussed on was doing it right and enjoying the view! Those crazy adrenalin nerves only hit two days later, while sitting in boring traffic. Odd, right? I know.

But the point is, whilst I can be a total sap, there are certain times I think that I get all stoic about shit. Maybe, it’s because I am a deeply private person. I don’t know. But those gorgeous, incredible life confirming baby scans? Not even one little Demi Moore eye trickle. Nada! That is…until this scan!

And whilst each and every child of mine has stirred great awe in me to see what wonders work inside me- not to mention great humility to be made a part of such an intricate miracle – but this one was very different. And I would be lying if I said that the last pregnancy didn’t affect me, or leave me with deep seated doubts and fears, no matter how far below the surface they are. I mean we, as mothers, always have them to some degree. Like even if it’s merely a seed of of doubt that tinges every time you think, but what if this time my baby and I are a statistic. This time, as I lay there eyes affixed to the screen. Subconsciously holding my breath. It was clear that the last scan’s bad tidings actually still had a hold of me.

As much as I stand by the fact that I had 100% good vibes about this pregnancy (unlike the pregnancy before this, and for good reason), I cannot not acknowledge that it’s very real, and very normal for that miscarriage to knock your confidence somewhat.

I mean, I will never forget that moment. The day I got an emergency slot at my gynae in response to the sudden bleeding. The tension levels fluxing in my body all the way to his offices, whilst my mind tried to forcefully inject positivity and hope, all while I waited for that little heart beat fluttering to appear on the screen. Waiting for that feeling of relief to wash over me, to make me feel like all was well, and like was just a fool to worry so much. To finally rid myself of that horrible dark feeling I had since the get go. That feeling that told me all was not well. I just couldn’t wait for someone to say it was all just a bad dream and for me to finally hear that thunderous heartbeat that gripped me each time, and made me feel connected and relieved.
But, as you may know, that was not what happened. Instead it was the confirmation of a very real nightmare of loss for me. One that still swirls within in, and has found it’s permanent place in my heart. Although, now, thoroughly padded in divine love.

But needless to say, forward wind to a few months later, when I’m laying back onto the hot seat, to finally enjoy the show of jumbled and awkward 3D movements, mixed with black and white glimpses of our new love, I felt the sudden, but “what if” kick in… you know, that stupid voice of doubt that kicks in at all the wrong times.
It felt like forever for doc to get setup, for the gel to be spread, and for machines to get going – even though it was all at the same usual pace. I soon realised I had forgotten to breathe, my jaw was clenched, my eyes wouldn’t budge from that scream, and I was on autopilot response mode for any chitchat Mikey and the doc were making. My neck strained forward trying to get the best view of the screen – probably five seconds away from just grabbing the damn ultrasound wand from doc’s hand and doing it myself! I need this shroud of anxiety to be ripped off of me already!

And then….there it was….that undeniable form that appeared…That sweet baby profile – head, eyes, button nose, and chin, with hands at the ready….And that heartbeat! So loud and clear! I felt my body instantly release, my neck flopped back in sheer relief, my hands lovingly clutching towards my (gelled up) belly, and then….sweet, warm tears of pure joy spilling down my face. I could barely look away from that screen, only just briefly to swop knowing and acknowledging smiles with Mikey. Thank you Lord, thank you!

MY CHILD! MY CHILD! THERE YOU ARE! And you are so very loved already!

And with that, I comfortably slipped off this thin but heavy veil of sudden panic I had wrapped around me. My grip on the wonder and excitement of life firmed up, and my notion of not wasting any further time on the dark what-if’s re-affirmed! And if anything, my previous loss has certainly strengthened my appreciation of the immeasurable honour it is to be a part of this journey. And yes, even at the risk of sounding like I’m repeating myself, to be a part of this miracle! This life within me is meant to be celebrated! 13 weeks, and we were in the clear!

The excitement and joy in the room was palpable – even the doc himself, for he had walked the journey of loss with us too. Unfortunately, Mike then had a late meeting to dash back to work for, so it was just me and this incredible rush of endorphins! So in celebration – since bubbly was out of the question- I hit up the clothing stores! This belly was bound of growth, and what better way to welcome it in than with new rags!

And by “new rags”, I just mean one singular piece of clothing. Because even though I had the whole pretty woman shopping anthem song blaring in my head, as I strutted (waddled) across the mall walkways, there’s still school fees and nanny fees to be paid. So, err, just one top then. But it was a good one.
A billowy navy stretch cotton with lace one. Bought it at 13 weeks, still rocking it now at 21 weeks, and I have no doubt it will carry me all through this pregnancy! And it on sale! Total score in my books, and good way to round off the day! That, and of course, getting show my two little mama bear girls at home a picture of their new sibling! The excitement of life is real!

Here’s to the sweetness of life! May you always know it, and always be able to draw from it, no matter what. X

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Author: mommabeartrax

Mother of two (and counting), pregnant with the third and have a sweet little angel in heaven. A very happy wifey, blogger, lover of life and laughter, a clumsy swimmer, loyal friend, Im funnier in my head than I actually am, I am a qualified HypnoBirthing Child Birth Educator, I get inexplicably excited about good food, baking & crafts. Although, I think baking and crafts are just trying to fill a void that my Kenpo and gym-rat days used to fill. Lastly, according to the rest of the world, I fix your printer. But I'm actually a Software Architect.

16 thoughts on “Life after Death: That First Scan of Baby…

  1. Got so teary reading this. Both our “first scans” we like this since we miscarried our very first baby. I had no idea the tidal wave of emotion that would just knock me over in relief and joy. I’m so utterly happy for you!!

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    • The immensity of that relief is quite astounding, isn’t it? It really took me by surprise. But sweetly so.
      Thanks so much for sharing, Marysol – here’s to first scans and the precious secrets they hold. X

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  2. Reading this made me feel like someone had captured every emotion I experienced during the first weeks of my last pregnancy & put it into words.
    I remember how stressful it was, all the time praying that it will be fine but knowing that the worst was also possible. Being so afraid to get excited about this miracle taking place inside of you and being unsure about whether to share it with anyone, just in case. I don’t think there is any other way to react but with tears when you see your baby moving on that monitor for the first time & you are told that everything is just perfect. It felt like a tsunami of relief washing over my hubby & I. At last we could relax, start enjoying the pregnancy & most importantly, acknowledge the new life growing inside of me. And just like with you, the doc was so excited that he printed me a few pics even though they’re not supposed to lol.
    It’s the scariest thing ever to fall pregnant after experiencing a miscarriage. So many women think nothing of it, but I’ve come to realise that having a healthy pregnancy is the most precious thing. My little Noah is 19 months old now and he’s such a blessing to us. We love all our kids but, after the loss we experienced, he holds an extra special place in our hearts.
    Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy as you await your extra special blessing. My prayers are with you for a safe delivery.
    xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your comment means so much to me – thank you for sharing Karen.
      And yes, like Marysol also mentioned above, its truly like a wave that washes over you: Powerful and cleansing. And just sweeps you off your feet.
      And yes, agreed – pregnancy is not guaranteed and ia truly a precious gift to be acknowledged and appreciated in all its awesome detail.
      Thanks so much for your prayers and well wishes.x
      Enjoy your precious little Noah and all your kids. Xxx

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  3. So so glad everything is well! Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and the special time.

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  4. All the tears! So happy for you and so excited for the gender reveal! (And that color looks amazeballs on you!)

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  5. All the tears. My heart was right there with you as you shared this. Baby is just perfect ❤ I have stared at that pic for ages trying to see if it is a boy or a girl. I have a feeling, but I cannot WAIT to hear after the weekend. Love you so so so so so much ❤ ❤

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    • ah, dearest Mandy-Lee…thank you, thank you! YOur love and support is so cherished. And yeah, that pic gvs nothing away – we specifically asked doc for snaps that wont give it away.
      love you muchly,

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  6. Read this all choked up and teary. So happy that everything is going so well with the little miracle you’re carrying. All the best with the next few months! xx

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  7. Big hugs. Just how awful. But I think because you have been though that you can appreciate those good moments. I waited so long to get to that scan so it was very special for me. For me just getting pregnant was the big hurdle for me, and I had this positive feeling that everything would be ok. One bad moment of bleeding but got though that thank God.
    I am so glad things are ok for you and I’m rooting for your little one to grow and grow and be just perfect 🙂 Those are the words my mom said to me when Nicky came “He’s perfect”. That’s all you need.

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    • oh gosh, yes, those bad moments of bleeding are freakin scary! And the worst is that feelng of helplessness – that you hav eno control over this. Even though youre willin to do anything to stop it. Sorry you had to go through that, but yes, indeed, THANK GOD you got through that.
      As a mother there are so many unchartered and unplanned curveballs that come your, that it means the world to me to have others like you and other readers offer this genuine and heartfelt support. That we can support each other. So thank you. it means the world to me, X

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I can totally relate so glad for you, so glad that you are able to be excited again 🙂 you look adorable by the way

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  9. it can be quite a trying experience, isnt it? Sorry you too had to go through something similar. Hope all is well on your side? and thankyou, yes, there is nothing BUT excitement and gratitude here. and ps. Thanks! As a preggo, I never feel adorable, but will take ALL compliments – yes please! hahhaa

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