The Milk Memoirs

One part chronicle, one part resource of all things breastfeeding and family life…with a good dose of fun,crafts & mommy realness

But I wanted Blue Balloons…A Mother’s Confession

11 Comments

Yes, in case youre wondering, I’m back on to our recent gender reveal of our third baby. Hope Im not boring you with it already, but there’s just so much more to that day. It was seriously a fun and lovely day…but I wasn’t kidding when I said it was emotionally taxing. Yes, for the girls, for sure. Their reaction was something else – something I wasnt quite prepared for. (read here). In fact, I was a bit blind sided at first. But, what you might not know, is that it was a bit hectic for me too. And please make no mistake, I am no liar – I truly am beyond filled with joy that we are having another girl. And I guarantee you, it would the same if it was a boy. In fact, I feel a touch horrid for even voicing this, but I’m also Ok voicing it -if you know what I mean…But I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t secretly hoping it WOULD be a boy.

Maybe you’re judging me because of that confession right there.*Trax bracing for the judgement* And whilst I won’t truly understand why – because I am already brimming over with gratitude purely for life within me. Understanding the loss we had suffered before this, might highlight even further how much more grateful we will forever remain. But I’d accept your differing opinions too.

Either way, I think finding out the gender of your child is quite an emotional thing in and of itself already. Whether you had expectations or not. And mostly that’s done in the privacy of your doctors four walls – at least that’s been the case for us previously. But as a generally private person, finding out the gender infront of an audience, as I discovered, is quite a thing. Even more so, when you find your children are having strong emotional reactions to it as well.

When I eventually saw and realised it was pink balloons, I had a wave of happiness, you know the type that only real suprises can bring about, and I felt those tears of joy surging up. But I literally had to check my emotions in when I realised I first had to tend to my girls, and how they were dealing with it. So instead, only the joyful giddiness and the ear to ear grins remained, with Mike and I exchanging kisses and love touches throughout the day, as we kept thinking of our future with THREE girls.

But later, like two, three days later, when I really had a chance to work through my emotions, I realised there was a bit of a sting in my heart. About it not being blue balloons. And to be honest, I wasn’t quite clear on what it was, or how I would express it, or IF I should even express it. Like, should I even feel anything but unadulterated and untainted joy, when this beautiful little life within me lives and breathes all my emotions – whether she wants to or not. But I’m not the type to let things build up. And I suppose, as I pointed out, whether I say it out loud or not, this little fingy inside of me is feeling whatever it was that I was feeling. And I couldn’t have her soak in that. I couldn’t let her feel like I was disappointed that she was a boy. How horrible would I be?! So I took a stab at it, and once more confided in my ever steady pillar of strength, Mike, in hopes of working it out.

I guess I was also afraid, on some unconscious level, that this slight feeling of disappointment might actually be this insurmountable emotional hurdle that causes more damage than had I not even bothered with it. But the more and more I spoke to Mike, the more I realised it was better to remain honest with myself about it, to as always, acknowledge your true emotions. And turns out, its not such a big deal afterall. Yes, there was a hope, and yes it would have been nice. And I think it was pretty human and natural to want for that. And that also there’s nothing wrong in being human. But after stripping my thoughts to its core, I found that what I truly and honestly feel about this baby, the real guts of the matter is, that there is nothing but pure love that pounds deeply and loudly within my heart for this child. The kind of love that is soaked and pressed into the bones, and cannot help but seep out into the rest of your entire being. Pure, unrelenting, fierce love. You know? Unconditional. Like boy or girl, unconditional. And that is what truly matters. The only thing that matters.

And now, that’s all there is…

Free of silly expectations or selfish wants, and certainly no insurmountable mountain either…
I cannot wait to embrace you, our dear little “Coco”!
X

Advertisements

Author: mommabeartrax

Mother of two (and counting), pregnant with the third and have a sweet little angel in heaven. A very happy wifey, blogger, lover of life and laughter, a clumsy swimmer, loyal friend, Im funnier in my head than I actually am, I am a qualified HypnoBirthing Child Birth Educator, I get inexplicably excited about good food, baking & crafts. Although, I think baking and crafts are just trying to fill a void that my Kenpo and gym-rat days used to fill. Lastly, according to the rest of the world, I fix your printer. But I'm actually a Software Architect.

11 thoughts on “But I wanted Blue Balloons…A Mother’s Confession

  1. Oh I know that feeling. When we found out Ethan was a boy, I nearly cried right there in front of everyone. I desperately wanted him to be a girl, and was so disappointed when we found out he wan’t to be. But I got over it and you’re right, there is nothing but pure, unconditional love for your child when you get down to what really matters. Glad you got to talk about it and be real about it. You deserve all the happiness!!!

    Like

    • shame hun – that emotional wave can get a bit much for a preggy with all her raging hormones. And yes, there is no way anyone can question the love one has for your child – no matter the gender.

      Like

  2. Ah I know the feeling and you’re not alone, well, I certainly can identify! I was hoping for a girl the second time around and when the gynae announced it’s a boy (I was at the appointment alone co-incidentally), I actually said aahhhhh out loud. Then he reminded me of how we’ll only have to do one school pickup, hehehehehe. I was also grateful for a healthy baby no matter the sex, but there is that bit of “disappointment”, for want of a better word, when baby isn’t the sex you were hoping for.

    Like

    • LOL – i actually laughed out loud for that. That outloud “ahh” 🙂 Yeah, whats the point in lying about how you feel. ONe has acknowledge that before you can move on. I mean right now, I freakin over the moon about this girl on her way….and you would never have thought I even had thes feelings a couple of eeks ago! Perspective does come! 🙂
      Thanks for sharing your emotional rollercoaster experience too. X

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I felt exactly the same (3rd baby’s gender we didn’t find out but was hoping for blue)… But i can promise you once she’s here you wouldn’t be able to imagine it any other way. Plus, sisters are friends for life so that’s awesome 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Like

    • Yes, we did that with our second (wait till birth) and strangely back then I had no expectations really. This time was a bit different though. And yes, agreed – although I’ve got to say I there already – we are over the moon, and Im now SO into it, I cant even believe I felt like that a few weeks ago!
      Thanks so much for sharing Taryn. And yes, man…that sister game is going to be strong with the three of them. they get to have what I only wished for back as a kid.

      Like

  4. When we see each other again, remind me to tell you my blue/pink balloon story.

    Like

  5. You were so brave to do it in front of all those people! I am SO not good with surprises, especially public ones, I would have crumbled, but you look like grace in the photos. Your reaction is 100% natural, most people want to experience both genders; no judgement here! My husband and I went to school with a group of 4 siblings, all sisters, and they were the coolest girls around. All the boys loved them, and all the girls wanted to be their friends. I’m certain their parents were trying for that boy when they decided on #4, but the 4th girl made the team perfect! Blessings to your three daughters, no doubt they will be the perfect team!

    Like

  6. Oh my gosh, Erin – you know if you had said that to me BEFORE the reveal, i would have said, “tish-tosh! I’ve got this!” But having gone through it now, it was quite a thing if i really think about it in retrospect. I mean I had a dear friend share honestly why she would never do it publcily and I totally understood why – thats such a privatre reaction and who knows how it will go. But i figured I was so neutral I would be cool. And the thing is I was SO cool with it – i was genuinely happy – i wanted to cry. The realization only hit me a few days later…But even that crying of happiness bit I decided to check in because of the girls’ reaction…..however, there was still so much to process, which I didnt, because I think subconsciously i wanted that to be private…Probably why I could carry it off with grace – lol, thanks for that by the way!

    As for your story – i love it! That made me smile even bigger! Really, thank you for that. XXX

    Like

  7. Pingback: Cape Town Blogger Tracey’s Family Maternity Shoot | Cape Town Pregnancy Photographer » Cape Town Birth Photographer

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s